They say having kids changes everything. While the reality may not be so absolute, parents on Twitter have shown that there is definitely some merit to the statement.
Many funny moms and dads tweet about the difference between their laid back childfree years and the experience of being a parent. We’ve rounded up some of the best examples.
Without further ado, here are 39 hilarious tweets that sum up life before and after kids.
Before kids: Kids will help me with everything around the house.
— Sara (@sara_ashlynn)
After kids: *scrapes foreign object off wall with chisel*
My goals before kids:
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn)
1) Get promoted.
2) Do a marathon.
3) Travel.
My goals after kids:
1) Put on pants
2) Fall asleep without crying
Girl's Night Out before kids: Hair done, high heels, red lipstick, low cut top, perfume.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue)
Girl's Night Out after kids: Underwire bra, pants.
Thoughts before kids: What's the meaning of life?
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer)
Thoughts after kids: Does the same actress play Daniel Tiger's mom AND Justin Time's mom?
Before kids:
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4)
I'm not going to let kids stop me from doing what I want!
After kids:
*turns down literally every invitation because, kids*
Before kids: "I won't assume others find my kid cute."
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue)
After kids: *Arranges furniture around play area so everyone can enjoy the cuteness.
Life before kids:
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad)
Who would ever need "THIS" in bulk?!
Life as a parent after kids:
How did we ever do without "THIS" in bulk?!
Marriage goals before kids: Make love daily, don't take each other for granted, disagree respectfully.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite)
After: Stay up after kids go to bed.
Xmas before kids: food, unwrap, hugs, see ya!
— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111)
After kids: open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, tw
How I knew he was the one: Before Kids: brought me flowers & wine.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy)
Why I still know: After Kids: Brings me coffee in bulk and wine in bulk.
Exciting Groupon offers...
— Wendy S. (@maughammom)
Before Kids:
•Wine tastings
•Pub tours
•Bed & breakfasts
After Kids:
•Carpet cleaning
•Bounce houses
•Bulk wine
Before kids: Someone else pukes, YOU puke.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell)
After kids: Watching, fascinated, as your boy power-boots across the room. Meatloaf! I knew it!
Before kids: OMG these painful shoes are SO cute! *buys*
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite)
After kids: I'll take these ergonomic, moderately hideous shoes in all 4 colors.
Before kids: Ashamed to admit you liked that raunchy porn
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat)
After kids: Ashamed to admit you really liked that movie w/ the talking cat
Before kids: Quiet children seems like a nice goal.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart)
After kids: What's the medical term for "fear of quiet children" because I have that.
Before kids: I need those shoes!!
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh)
After kids: Did you see that new mop that cleans the baseboards!!
Google before kids: "Cool sex moves"
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable)
Google after kids: "LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: Fall of the Golden Master Season 3"
Halloween: Before kids, a great excuse to dress sexy. After kids, a great excuse to wear pajamas to a party.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel)
Trips before kids:
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad)
Let's spontaneously leave for the weekend in 10 minutes!
After kids:
It's going to take all weekend just to pack.
Before Kids: Long day. Let's go out and treat ourselves to a nice dinner.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)
After Kids: I FOUND A CHCKEN NUGGET IN THE COUCH! WANNA SPLIT IT?
Disney movies and song before having kids:
— Corbin Adam Scott (@corbinadamscott)
After having kids: pic.twitter.com/hbIBWmvyDt
Saturdays before kids: (calm voice) “What should we do today?”
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes)
Saturdays after kids: (panicked voice) “What should we do today?”
Sex before kids: raunchy
— SpacedMom (@copymama)
Sex after kids: paunchy
Before kids, I'd milk an illness so I could stay in bed all day. After kids, I learned to mask it so they couldn't sense my weakness.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim)
Before kids: Catch a cold and you're sick for 3 days.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer)
After kids: Catch a cold and you're sick for 10 years.
Before sons: Secretly judged parents for giving kids Benadryl on flights
— Myrrh (@ixix82)
After sons: Secretly wish they hadn't outlawed Children's Paregoric
Romance before kids: Flowers, wine, candles, foreplay
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma)
Romance after kids: When my husband uses air freshener after he destroys our bathroom
Dinner before kids: Chicken, roasted asparagus & homemade bread
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer)
Dinner after kids: Cheerios picked up off the floor while cleaning up pee
Before kids: My best friends are the ones I hear from the most.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder)
After kids: My best friends are the ones who expect the least of me.
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot.
— Court (@Discourt)
Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams "HEADS UP!"
Before kids: OMG, gross, I HAVE to shower everyday.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall)
After kids: Isn't showering more than a few times a week bad for your skin anyway?
Going to the movies alone before kids: Depressing.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma)
Going to the movies alone after kids: Not talk to anyone for 2 hours? TAKE MY MONEY.
Goals for kids before actually having them: have infinite patience, never cuss, don't let them watch TV.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite)
After: get them to put on shoes.
Before kids: I'd help my kids achieve any dream, no questions!
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva)
After Kids: Kid says they want to grow up to be a meatball & u need a minute
NY Goals before kids:
— Meredith (@PerfectPending)
Eat better, exercise, spend more time w/friends, be open to opportunities.
After kids:
Keep them alive 1 more year
Things I've learned since becoming a mom: Before children: "I'd never let my children do that!" After children: "Just don't hurt yourself.."
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh)
Before kids: Online shopping--alone and at home--is such a luxury.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite)
After kids: Shopping--alone and at an actual store--is such a luxury.
Before kids: Our neighbor is a lunatic she's constantly screaming at her kids. After Kids: Hi neighbor come on over for coffee I so get you!
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy)
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