Ana Gasteyer knows the good, bad and ugly sides of raising kids today.
The “Saturday Night Live” alum has a 14-year-old daughter, Frances, and a 9-year-old son, Ulysses. She often vents her parenting frustrations and shares hilarious stories and musings on Twitter.
In honor of Gasteyer’s 50th birthday Thursday, we’ve rounded up her funniest, wisest and most spot-on parenting tweets.
When my kids grow up, I'm gonna invite myself to dinner at their houses, demand mac n cheese, then tell them it's gross.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Parenting tip: if you want to get your kids ready to leave the house faster, relentlessly song 'All That Jazz' in a Billie Holiday voice.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
My son changed my Apple name to Fat Bob and I can't figure out how to change it back.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
I rue the day all parents surrendered en masse and agreed to cut off the crust.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
My son just answered his toy cell phone and said "Elaine, we both know you're too old for me."
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
I feel there is a #NationalDay scam afoot. Example: this is like the third #NationalDonutDay since February, oh wait it's my kids
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Now that my kids are a little older, I love that I'm really able to engage in a conversation with another adult and fini
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
One of my top goals as a mother is to raise children who are not the asshole who ruins Book Club.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Super creepy. Not only did the Tooth Fairy blow off our kid last night, there was an empty bottle of wine and 2 glasses on the counter.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Fun arcade game for parents: an updated Whack-A-Mole featuring small children popping out of their beds all night.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
We want to keep our sex life private, so my husband I tell our kids we are 'just roommates'.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Daughter just made me turn off 'Jolene', cuz "I don't have a boyfriend, but this song makes me sad he's cheating on me anyway."
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
When I see quiet, well-behaved children in a restaurant, I have to wonder how far in advance their parents gave them the Dramamine.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
RT if you secretly tweet on the can so your family doesn't catch you
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
What with Dance Marathons no longer popular, I'm really stumped trying to think of a way to monetize my kids' aversion to sleep.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
If my kids write my epitaph, it will read 'Here lies Mother, who always seemed to want a Nap'.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Just told my kids I "forgot to sign up for the Easter Bunny'". So more of a standard issue Mom failure vs destruction of childhood dream.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Sometimes when my phone's dying I feel like God is mad at me for having so much fun on Twitter, plus ignoring my kids by staring at a phone.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Often before tweeting, I stop & think "Who will read this? Will my family be embarrassed by me?",but then I forget and hit the tweet button.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
A prayer for my kids: May you not marry those A-holes who leave concerts & ballgames early to beat the traffic. The endings are good.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Moms: now is the perfect time to tell your husband that his Father's Day gift tomorrow will be the fact that you always replenish the TP.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
My daughter just suggested that I go as the cut character "Fun Bummer" from Inside Out. #halloween
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Frosting is the Guinness of Kids.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Working on a cross-stitch pattern for working moms which reads "Somewhere, Right now, Someone Is Pissed Off at Me". T
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Beautiful moment of family connection tonight around our shared excitement over the new middle finger emoji.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
It's really important to me that my kids learn another language, which is one of the reasons I'm teaching them to speak Ikea at an early age
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
I figure if I've taught my kids to tie their shoes, ride a bike and not to read the Internet Comments I've done my job.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Public apology to my family for how often I make turkey chili. Doing the best I can with what God gave me.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
My ability to nap is rivaled only by my children's resistance to sleeping at night.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
My son just whipped a juice box across the room cuz no one laughed at his joke. Runs in the family.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
Whoever said all children are angels never met the little shit with the Super Soaker at the playground today.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
My kid just correctly noted that Fractions are only useful if you grow up to become a Pizza Maker.#ProudMemberOfASmertFambly
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer)
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